Insight x Action  Change
by dilero
Summary: S3 possibility.  Manipulated timeline.  Just in case it might be h..  Characters are the property of ABC Studios Production.  I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

Richard Castle sat in his designated chair beside Kate Beckett's desk as she dutifully completed the paperwork from the latest case that they had cleared. Usually he would be looking longingly at her while she worked, but this day he just buried his eyes into a magazine. His presence at the precinct had been somewhat unsettling since his return this fall from finishing his latest book _NAKED HEAT_, and he was trying to make sure that he did not incur her wrath further by his, as she described it, "creepy stares". At this point their relationship was at best mildly strained. So many things had been said, and so many things had been left unsaid. As he flipped the pages of his magazine, his cell phone chimed.

Apologizing to Kate for the intrusion, he answered the call, "Hello."

The caller asked, "Is this Richard Castle?"

"Yes, this is Richard Castle."

_Kate was not trying to eavesdrop on his conversation, but he was only three feet away from her so that became almost unavoidable. She did think it strange that he would have to identify himself to someone calling him on his cell phone._

"Mr. Castle, this is Margaret Sanchez with the California State Police Department's Public Affairs Office. Mr. Castle, are you the former husband of Meredith... I'm sorry sir the only name that I have been given is her former married name, Meredith Castle?"

"Yes ma'am, I am."

"Mr. Castle, are you also then the father and custodian of Alexis Castle, Ms. Castle's daughter?"

"Yes ma'am."

_This end of the conversation was becoming quite cryptic to Kate. It seemed to her that it was almost like he was answering questions to someone's interrogation._

"Mr. Castle, I'm sorry to have to inform you that your former wife was killed this morning in a traffic accident. She and her companion were hit by a semi tractor trailer as they were heading into Los Angeles this morning. According to what the investigating officers have been able to determine, both occupants of the car were killed instantly."

Rick merely listened to what he was being told. Trying to process. Trying to determine how he would tell Alexis about her mother.

"Mr. Castle?"

"Yes, I'm here."

_Now it was obvious to Kate that this was not a casual conversation. She could easily detect the hollow expression that had developed on his face and in his eyes._

"Mr. Castle, due to the fact that your former wife did not have any direct relatives in this area and that she was in the entertainment business, and would have been known to others in that industry, it is incumbent upon us to make sure that we contact any known relatives elsewhere in the country before any information is released to the media. I'm contacting you now, and I will then be directed to contact her daughter Alexis Castle. According to protocol, I probably should have contacted her direct relative, Alexis, before I called you, but seeing that according to what we have been able to discover Alexis is only sixteen years of age, I somehow didn't think that was the most appropriate way to handle this notification."

"That's very kind of you."

"Well, being a parent myself I would hate to have my child get blindsided by a call of this nature. In addition, we are aware of the fact that you are an author that has attained a great deal of fame and that you would also have a need to notify your publicity people regarding this tragedy. Mr. Castle, would you like to accept the responsibility for notifying Alexis of her mother's death?"

"Yes, I will take care of that."

"Mr. Castle, I'm deeply sorry that I had to make this call, and I feel for you and your daughter in your loss. Is there anything that I can do for you from this end?"

"Thank you. May I contact you with any other questions that I might have regarding this?"

"You most certainly can. Since I'm sure that my call would have registered on your cell phone, just use that number and ask for me. If I'm unable to assist you directly, I will refer you to the most appropriate person."

"Thank you for the manner in which you have handled this situation. I appreciate it very much. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Mr. Castle."

Rick closed off his cell phone and placed it in his jacket pocket. His eyes never moved, but continued to stare blankly ahead of him. After only a brief moment, he rose from his chair and moved toward a window at the far end of the homicide bureau.

_Kate watched as he left her desk area, but said nothing to halt his movement. She waited for a few minutes before she got out of her chair and walked to the window through which Rick continued his empty stare. She leaned against the window sill, but did not speak, waiting for him talk should he want to. Kate wasn't sure whether it was even registering with him that she had joined him. She could see that he wasn't openly crying, but his eyes were certainly glistening with tears. Had things not been so strained between them at this time in their lives, she would have wanted to hold him, but even at the best of times they had restricted themselves so much that she more likely would have just touched his arm._

In the softest of voices, he began to speak, "Meredith was killed in an automobile accident early this morning in Los Angeles. She and a companion were hit by a semi tractor trailer and were killed instantly. The California State Police were kind enough to contact me first before notifying Alexis. They are going to allow me to deal with Alexis on my own."

_The shock registered on Kate's face, but Rick was so focused on not being focused that it was unlikely that he detected her reaction._

"The things that people do to one another can be quite remarkable, and quite reprehensible. Meredith may have been a lot of things, but she wasn't evil, or mean-spirited. Although not an Academy Award level actress, she did possess enough talent to have lasted for twenty years in the business. That is no easy task. She didn't deserve a tragic end. It's almost unconscionable that one has to almost reach the depths of their despair before they realize what they have done and what they do to others."

"She never said she was sorry for the affair, or for leaving me for her director. Alexis would have been a burden to her at that time, and possibly something she could not have coped with even if she had still wanted me around. I never said anything about it, nor did I hold it against her. She would waltz into my life every year or so and sometimes virtually attack me sexually. As I think about it, perhaps that was her way of saying she was sorry. Marathon shopping trips may have been the metaphor for dealing with Alexis. I should have realized. I should have done better. I should have said the words of forgiveness to her to release her from any guilt... I guess I'm a bastard in more ways than one."

Turning to look directly at Kate, Rick continued, "Kate, I'm going to say some things that you don't want to hear from me, but they're things that I feel that I must say. A psychologist friend of mine once told me that he always reminds his patients that 'Insight x Action = Change'. As I said before, it's awful that it takes a tragedy to make you face the truth about your life and the people in your life. That 'Insight' has been forced upon me. If I am to be a better person for Alexis in her future, I have to be willing to take the 'Action' to allow me to 'Change'."

"We aren't in a very good place right now, and it is killing me. I have made a great many mistakes in our time together, and I'm so very sorry for them. I started on the path to loving you when you whispered "You have no idea" in my ear. That path has led to our standing here today, and my love for you has grown to the point of almost consuming me. I'm sorry, I know that you don't want to hear that from me, and that your feelings are for another, but I cannot begin to assure that I am worthy of being a solid human being for Alexis' future, if I am so insecure that I can't express what is in my heart. Maybe it makes it easier for me to tell you that I love you, when I know that it has no meaning to you, and that not only do you not want me, you want anyone but me. I truly wish I could have done a better job in showing you how much you meant to me, and mean to me."

"I should have followed my original instincts and not returned to the precinct. The anger that I faced upon walking back in here unfortunately at this very moment reminds me of the last second feeling that Meredith might have experienced when the truck struck their car, 'Where did that come from'. You knew why I left for the summer and I assumed that the others would have become aware of that as well, if not on their own but surely from you assuaging any misgivings that they may harbor about me. But none of that took place. So I am willing to take my responsibility for any hurt that you may have been caused. I can assure you that it was the last thing that I thought I was capable of inflicting. All I wanted was for you to be happy and to not feel awkward... I guess that is not full disclosure. I apologize. As much as I loved you and wanted you to want me, I couldn't watch anymore. I had to get out. As you have said to me, it's none of my business what you do with your life, or who you do it with. Believe me there is no one more aware of that than me. Whoever becomes your 'one and done' will be the luckiest man on earth. You are the love of my life Kate, and that will never end until I do."

_The tears that had filled his eyes slowly began to cascade down his cheeks. His expression never changed, but his eyes never left hers. Almost mirroring his image, tears drifted from Kate's eyes._

"I need to go home and deal with all of this with Alexis before the news hits the wire services. She, Mother and I will be leaving for California probably by tomorrow. I'm not sure how long we will be gone, nor am I sure how Alexis will react to all of this upon our return. This time I will call while I'm gone to make sure that all of you are well. Please take care of yourself, Kate. Be safe."

With that, Rick moved toward the stairs and left the bureau. Kate placed her arms across her chest and virtually squeezed herself into a hug. Just as silently as Rick had, the tears began to flow more rapidly, the words from his lips reverberating in her mind.

Lanie had been visiting Esposito, and along with Ryan they noticed Rick leaving the bullpen through the stairwell door. When they turned to see if Kate was still within the unit, they saw her leaning against the window sill at the other end of the room. When it appeared to them that she was crying, all three moved to join her.

Lanie spoke first, "Kate?"

"It's alright, Lanie. I'm okay."

Esposito quickly interjected, "What did that bastard do this time?"

Fire quickly flashed in Kate's eyes, "DON'T LET ME HEAR YOU USE THAT WORD REGARDING HIM EVER AGAIN! EVER!"

Esposito stammered, "Uh, I'm...I'm sorry, I just thought that he walked out on you again."

_Insight x Action = Change_

"He has never walked out on me, and he never walked out on you. He didn't know that I had broken up with Tom, and I didn't tell you that I had lied to him and told him that the situation that had developed between us had become awkward. With the manner in which I had dealt with him over these many months, there was no way that he could have imagined that I was about to tell him that I wanted to go away with him and take a chance on seeing if we could develop a relationship beyond just being friends. He was trying to be a friend to me by leaving and allowing me to be happy. Your words to me back then finally made me realize how fucking stupid I had been with regard to how much I meant to him. Things just spiraled out of control after that, and I failed to stop you all from coming to false conclusions. He wouldn't even seek retribution for my actions, but instead apologized for any hurt that he might have caused. He didn't walk out on me then, and today he walked out to go tell his daughter that her mother had been killed in an automobile accident."


	2. Chapter 2

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

_He didn't walk out on me then, and today he walked out to go tell his daughter that her mother had been killed in an automobile accident._

Kate moved past the three and proceeded toward her desk. As she sat down in her chair the thrust of his words was being driven even deeper into her mind. _He loved me. He wanted me. Not since yesterday, not since last week, hell not even since last spring. For a year and a half he had been trying to get in. I assumed he was trying to get me into his bed, when all the while he was trying to get into my heart. The things that people do to one another._

Oblivious to what was going on around her, Kate did not take notice when Josh sat down in 'Castle's chair'. "Kate, I just stopped by to say hello and see if you wanted to go on a 'Poker Run' that we put together for tonight... Is everything alright?"

Startled by the words, Kate blankly responded, "What? Uh... Josh what are you doing here?"

"Am I interrupting you?"

"No, I wast just deep in thought about a particular case. I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said that I just stopped by to say hello and see if you wanted to go on a 'Poker Run' that we put together for tonight? We were all going to do the 'Run' and then have a little dinner and dancing afterward. It's going to be a very nice evening weather-wise, and I thought that you would enjoy it."

"Uh...thanks Josh, but I'm really not in the mood for that this evening."

Noticing the look on her face and the tone of her voice, he repeated his other question to her, "Is everything alright?"

"I'm just trying to deal with a few things at the moment, and I'm a little distracted."

"Does this have to do with him?"

"What? Who?"

"Castle. I just saw him out front hailing a cab. He looked much the same way that you look at this moment."

"He has some private family matters that he is having to deal with."

"Since your look matches his, does that mean you are a part of that family?"

That simple phrase was enough to hurl Kate into a haze of mixed emotions. _In one of the most terrifying times of my life he took me in, no they took me in. An instantaneous feeling of caring and protection was what I felt. I miss that feeling, and oh how I have longed for that feeling to envelope me again. They never asked for anything. They never expected anything. I was simply just one of them._

"No, I'm not a part of their family, I just, uh...know them fairly well... What's with all of these questions?"

"I'm not meaning to question you, I just think that you are questioning yourself. Kate, I have been with you for a little while now and I've also observed his interaction with you on a couple of occasions, it's easy to see that the man loves you, and it's also easy to see that he recognizes the fact that he will never have you. He wants you as part of his family. He wants to be your knight in shining armor. He wants you to adore him, like he adores you. If that is what you wanted, you would be with him and we would never have met."

"Kate, your professional life is highly structured, everything by the book. You are obviously good at it. That's why your private life is anything but that. You like 'stepping out'. You like life on the edge, pressing the limits, and being with others who will share those thrills. As I said, if you didn't like 'stepping out' you would have never met me. You would be smothered in his world. Oh, you certainly would be loved, but where would the endorphin rush come from unless you were permitted to live a double life. Everyone has wants and needs, Kate. The scofflaw becoming a cop virtually personifies your existence."

"Josh, there's an old adage that states, 'shallow brooks are noisy; and still waters run deep'. You shouldn't presume to know who I am inside because I might like different experiences. The experiences don't define me, they are just another part of my growth. The depth of my character and the frailties of my character are known only by one..."

"One what, Kate?"

"Nothing. Look, I'm sorry that I won't be attending your 'Run' tonight. I hope that you all have a good time."

"We will, but you will be missed."

_Insight x Action = Change_

"Josh, I guess to use your terminology, I won't be 'stepping out' anymore. Although I like the rush of some of our activities, I also know the unmatched rush of endorphins that surges through you when someone looks at you like you are the answer to all of the mysteries of the universe.

"Well, Kate I hope that you find what you want, but when that next time arises that you need to 'step out', and it likely will, I hope I'm around to share it with you."

"I'm likely about to take the ultimate risk of my life, and there is nothing that can compare to adrenaline that is flowing through my body at this very moment. Have fun tonight. Be careful... Goodbye, Josh."

"Goodbye for now, Kate."

Josh left as he had arrived, almost in silence. Was the silence him, or was it the stillness of the clouds that shadowed her mind as she desperately sought to bring order to her life.

The deafening silence was invaded by the ring of her telephone.

"Beckett."

"Detective, this is Gina Cowell, is Richard there with you?"

"Uh, no Gina he left about an hour ago. I'm pretty sure that he went back home."

"Well, I have tried his cell phone as well as the house phone, but I'm not getting any response."

_He hasn't even told her about Meredith. It's understandable that the only thing that he is thinking about right now is Alexis, but you would think that Gina would come to mind at some point._

"I'm sorry Gina, I don't know what else I can tell you." _It's certainly not my place to tell her about Meredith._

"Did you two have another fight, or were you dismissive of him again?"

"What? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh please, Detective you know that you are the only one that virtually controls his emotions. If he is cutting everyone off again it has to involve you in some fashion."

"Look Gina, I'm not sure what you are implying, but Castle is a grown man. He is responsible for his actions and his emotions."

"That's very true Detective, but he has made himself so vulnerable to you that he can be devastated at the slightest rebuke that you may give him. He tried to work on that this summer, but made very little progress. I certainly wasn't around all of the time, but it has never been this difficult for him to write. Getting this book done on time was nothing short of a miracle."

"Gina, is there anything else that you need from me because I have work that I need to get back to?"

"Detective, he wanted you to go with him to the beach house this summer, didn't he?"

"I don't see that as being any of your business."

"Well, I guess that answers that question. It couldn't have been anyone else, hell he has only had one date in over a year, and he wound up being with you instead of who he went out with. Do you know how much this publishing house has spent on trying to promote his image as a playboy? We do all of that so that we can drive sales, and all he does is play cops and robbers with you and goes home to be with his daughter. You would think that after a year he would have done enough research on the intricacies of a homicide investigation to enable him just to use his imagination in creating his writing."

"Is this conversation leading to something Gina, because I'm at a loss as to what you want from me."

"There isn't any doubt in his mind that he wants you and you don't want him, so just tell him you have had enough of his shadowing you. With you out of his life and that daughter off to college soon, we may be able to salvage at least something from all of the money we have spent."

_Insight x Action = Change_

"You know Gina, did you ever think that you wouldn't even have that money to spend on 'his image' if his books weren't so successful. And besides, if you or Black Pawn felt the need to create an 'image', that in and of itself would demonstrate the fact that it was almost a certainty that whatever you decided to create might not be the man's true character to begin with. And furthermore, Gina, 'that daughter' has a name, it's Alexis. She has been the sole purpose of his life for the past sixteen-plus years, and whether she is directly in his home or at college away from home his dedication to her will never be diminished."

"Lastly, whether Castle and I work together for another day, another week, or for another twenty years is going to be determined by us based upon our mutual agreement as to its productivity. So, if there is nothing else I'm going to return to my work."

"Goodbye, Detective."

"Goodbye, Ms. Cowell."


	3. Chapter 3

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

"_Goodbye, Detective."_

"_Goodbye, Ms. Cowell."_

Kate leaned back in her chair contemplating the deluge of interactions she had experienced over the last two hours. Her mind seemed like a pinball machine as the silver pellet kept bouncing from Castle to Meredith, to Alexis, to Josh, to Gina and to herself.

_I knew that Castle had married Meredith because she had gotten pregnant, but I didn't realize that she had cheated on him and then left him for someone else. Not only left him, but left her child. How is it possible for someone to do that? Why does he present himself to be so glib, so foolish, all the while having the strength that it must have taken to be virtually the sole custodian of a female child? Was he truly trying to create his own method of deflecting pain or closeness? Kyra had already left him, then Meredith. Was this behavior developed so that he could have his own walls? Alexis must have been able to sense his dedication even before she was truly old enough to understand. The love that she has for her father is literally unmatched by anyone for anyone. Josh had struck a cord with some of his observations. They may very well be accurate to some degree, but his conclusions were not and his knowledge of my heart was totally absent. Gina had been married to the man. Why they parted I do not know. Not that I would, but I'm sure if I asked Castle he would think nothing of sharing that information with me. She obviously had no clue as to what the man was really like, or she just chose not to look that deep. 'Love' can be messy, 'Like' is a lot cleaner. Are she and Castle involved right now? I find that difficult to believe, but it is something that I will have to deal with, wait out, or confront. If I'm not willing to take those steps then the risk is not worth it for either of us._

"Beckett," Captain Montgomery called out to her. "Would you step into my office please?"

Again, lost in her thoughts, Kate failed to acknowledge the Captain's words. "Detective Beckett?" he offered a little more loudly this time.

"Oh, yes sir. I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"Can you come to my office please?"

"Yes sir." she replied as she left her desk to move across the room and enter his office.

"Detective, you seem even more preoccupied today than you have been the last few weeks since... _his_ return. Is there something that I need to deal with?"

"Uh, no sir, I'm sorry for today. There just seems to be quite a few extraneous things that have gone on that I'm trying to sort through."

"Beckett, if I need to approach Castle about his presence here you need to let me know. The mayor and the commissioner can be dealt with by Castle and me, but I need to have your input on the matter. I know that Castle is having to deal with something right now, so we have a window of opportunity to use that situation as a reason for him not being here in the future."

"You know what Castle is doing today?"

"Yes."

"How did you find out?"

"After he left earlier, he called me while he was on his way home. He informed me about the death of Meredith and the fact that he would likely be in California for perhaps up to a week. He wanted to make sure that I knew the circumstances of his absence so that the misunderstandings of this past summer were not repeated. I'm not going to go into that right now, but I appreciated his giving me a heads up. He also wanted me to pass that information along to Esposito, Ryan and Parrish so that they were fully advised as to the circumstances of his sudden departure."

"That won't be necessary sir, I have already informed them as to the reason why he had to leave."

"Well, okay. At least it seems that everyone is on the same page this time. Let's make sure that they don't say anything about it to anyone until all of the specified people have been informed and the official notification is given to the press... I still need to know what you want to do about his shadowing you. We also need to be aware that this could be a moot point depending on how Alexis handles the death of her mother. I know you all do everything you can to make sure that Castle is not put in harm's way, but nothing is foolproof. Alexis may go so far as to ask her father not to be involved here anymore, and that would be difficult for him to deny her. I had the opportunity to observe her when she did some intern work for you last year. She is an intelligent and industrious young lady. It's not going to get by her that the possibility of her father getting hurt is not out of the question. You are also going to be an issue for her to have to consider."

"Sir, I understand what you are saying about Alexis, but I'm not following the part about Alexis having to 'consider' me. Although we have not been spending as much time together as we once did, Alexis and I have, in my opinion, developed a fairly solid relationship."

"Exactly, that is half of what I'm talking about...Kate, I wasn't going to get into this during this conversation, but I might as well lay it all on the line. Excuse my language, but just how fucking stupid are you and Castle? He is a world famous author. Obviously intelligent. Obviously gifted in the use of the English language. You are one of the best, if not the best homicide detective that I have had the privilege to work with. Your sense of order and your ability to utilize deductive reasoning is unsurpassed by anyone in this entire precinct. I, for the life of me, cannot determine which one of you is the bigger idiot."

"Captain, I..."

"Hold on because I'm just getting started. I'm only stepping over the line here a little because we must face some facts, and those facts have to do with policies and procedures. There is a very good reason why there is a departmental policy regarding family members not being allowed to work within the same division of a precinct. It's not written in stone, but most of the time family members are not even placed within the same precinct. Now, I know that the two of you are not related, but there are behavioral responsibilities that relatives share for one another that also get exhibited by people who are not related. At this moment I am priding myself in the fact that I'm not as stupid as you two, and I can therefore see the difficulties that can possibly arise out of this arrangement unless proper steps are taken to set certain ground rules as to how things are going to be managed. Are you following me now?"

"Yes sir."

"As I said, this discussion could be all for naught should Alexis choose to ask her father to end his relationship with this unit. And, to be quite candid, I can see that happening because that little girl is a lot more perceptive than at least two of the three most important people in her life. Kate do know how much Alexis loves her father, how much her father loves her?"

"Of course I do, Captain, it may be the most solid bond and most beautiful relationship that could ever be hoped for."

"Exactly. Now with that in mind, and all that is within his mind, do you even grasp the fact that he would take a bullet for you in a New York minute. He loves that little girl, but he would not be able to restrain himself from preventing harm to come to you. Hell, I wouldn't doubt that he would do the same for Esposito, Ryan, or even me."

"I certainly didn't mean for this conversation to go this far, but these are the things that I have to consider so the two of you better damn well consider them as well. I'm not going to allow the two of you to leave me out there in la-la land like you do to each other. You are going to have to tell me things and we are going to have to work those things out together. I didn't have this conversation with Castle today because he has a lot on his plate right now, but it will happen. So don't think that this is all being directed at you. Do we understand one another?"

"Yes sir."

_God, from the moment he said that Castle may not have any choice as to whether he returns to work with me, the blow to my stomach and the ripping apart of my heart was the feeling of last spring times a million. I know that it didn't necessarily mean that we would have to be apart, but it certainly would not make things any easier to fix, and the selfish part of me has never wanted to lose our working together. I know the dangers involved in my work. I have obviously accepted them. Mom was taken from me in seconds, Meredith was taken from Alexis in the blink of an eye. I know that I had at least gotten to experience my mother through childhood and as a young adult, but Alexis only got a few weeks a year to experience her mother. She is still her mother, and the pain of her loss is not lessened just due to time factors._

_Roy's words are so accurate in describing what Castle and I have done with one another. How could we, how did we allow ourselves to be that way? Hell, if he were here right now we would probably be having an argument as to which one was the stupidest. He would say that he was, and then I would say that he was. He would always allow it to go that way. I know that he would do anything he could possibly do to protect me even with the knowledge that I was going to yell at him afterward for doing it. He's already done it on several occasions. To see him get hurt, or God forbid killed while we were working together would forever scar Alexis. I truly can't say for sure whether I could survive it. Just from what he said a little over two hours ago, and now that the blinders have finally been removed that prevented from seeing everything what has taken place in the last eighteen months, if something were to happen to me at anytime, but most certainly if it happened in his presence, he would be crushed. Jesus, what have we done to one another._

"Detective, I'm sorry I crossed the line a little bit here today. I should have just kept this on the professional level. God knows there is enough of that we will have to deal with. What you two do on a personal level is certainly up to the both of you."

_Insight x Action = Change_

"Well, I will respond to that in two ways. Captain, thank you for further enlightening me as to the impact of all that has happened and to how it effects our overall professional responsibilities and any possible future day to day work activity that we might be able to experience. I will do whatever it takes to work with you to make sure that we take the most proper steps to make certain that our actions will not compromise anyone involved, or the department as a whole."

"And, Roy,... I love you to death. Your observations are certainly that longed for 'kick in the ass' advice that we can always count on. And by the way, thanks for siding with me in recognizing how stupid Castle is. All I will be working toward right now is making sure that he is 'my stupid Castle' because Rick has already demonstrated to me that he will accept me unconditionally. I can only hope that we both are not too damaged to move forward."

"Captain, we don't have an active case at this time. So, uh...would it be possible for me to take a few days off? There is something that I feel I must do."


	4. Chapter 4

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

"_Captain, we don't have an active case at this time. So, uh...would it be possible for me to take a few days off? There is something that I feel I must do."_

"Well, Detective I think I know what you are referring to and I was going to talk with you about that subject."

"Sir, I need, or want, or however it might be described, to go to Los Angeles to attend Meredith's funeral. It might be presumptuous of me to do this, but I want to be there for the family. I only met Meredith once, but she is Alexis' mother, and...I just feel that I need to be there for her, and for Rick and Martha. They have been so gracious to me in the past that I feel that it would be almost inconsiderate of me if I didn't make the effort to demonstrate my support of them... Oh, hell, who am I kidding. I want Rick to know that I'm not as idiotic as you have so accurately described us. I know that he is hurting somewhat, but I also know that he is hurting a great deal for Alexis, and I want to be there to help him with that. He might want to put me on the first available return flight, but I don't think so. It's just something I have to do."

"Kate, that's the second time in the last five minutes that you have referred to Castle as Rick."

"I know that I jokingly thanked you for siding with me about Castle being stupid, but it is ever so apparent how stupid I have been. It just seems like it is something that gets engrained in you when you become part of the force, everyone calling one another by their title or by their last name. It just seemed natural to call him Castle because of how much time he has spent with us. After I had taken the effort to reflect on our actions over the last eighteen months and the knowledge that I have gained from others, there is no doubt in my mind that Castle is his persona, a pen name that he created to write his books, and an image that some marketing department devised to promote sales. He is Castle to his readers, and he will probably still be Castle around here, but he is Richard to his mother, and if I'm able to mend the pain that we have caused one another, he will be Rick to me now, and hopefully forever... Well, maybe when we are in our sixties I call him Richard to underscore the possibility that he might have matured enough by then."

"It's nice to see you lighten up a little, Detective. Everyone has missed that around here for a very long time."

"Not any more than I have. So, sir, will it be alright if I take some time off?"

"Yes it will. In fact, when the news about Meredith is finally made public, I will be talking to the commissioner and the mayor. I'm pretty certain that they will want someone to represent the department at her funeral. I don't think that there is anyone more appropriate than you to be that representative."

"Captain, I wasn't asking for the time off so I could represent the department, or have the department pay for my expenses. This is personal to me. I don't want them to think that I'm there just as a departmental presence. I want to be there for them, not the NYPD."

"I understand what you're saying, and I will make that known to the commissioner, but I can't guarantee that he won't make certain that you are compensated for your efforts. We won't make any announcement that you are going to represent the department, but you must realize that some people might view it as being just that."

"I understand. The more that I'm around Rick the more I realize that people, rightly or wrongly, tend to draw their own conclusions about other people's actions. Captain, do you or the commissioner have any contacts with the California State Police that I could use to find out further information on the funeral arrangements? I realize that they might not have that kind of knowledge, but perhaps they could refer me to the appropriate people that would have the specifics. I don't want to contact Rick's publicist, or intrude on any agent that Meredith might have had to find out the details. I'm not trying to hide the fact that I will be there, I just think that I should be somewhat low keyed in my approach."

"I will see what I can come up with. You go to work on getting a flight and a hotel room, and I will get back with you as soon as I can get a contact person."

"Roy, thank you for being there for me. I know that if Rick were here he would be thanking you as well."

"Kate, you two may have been a pain in the ass around here for a while, but it's nothing that can't be corrected. It's a shame that it took a personal tragedy to make you two see the light. Go home and get to work on your arrangements. I'll deal with the others about why you will be away for a while, and I will call you when I track down the contact information."

"Thank you sir."

Leaving Montgomery's office, Kate returned to clear off her desk and gather what she needed to take home with her. It had been so long since she had seen Esposito, Ryan and Lanie that she figured that they must have gone to lunch by now. Even though the Captain said that he would inform them about her impending absence, she quickly wrote them a note to explain the situation. She had yelled at Esposito, and had abruptly left them with the news about Meredith. She didn't want to leave them with the impression that she was angry with them or that she was trying to block them out of what was going on. She wanted to make sure that they knew that she would be contacting them while she was away to let them know what was going on, and to get updates from them as to precinct activities.

Upon arriving at her apartment, Kate began working on making arrangements for her trip. She was able to book an open ended flight that would leave the next day out of JFK at 4:15pm. With the flight time and the time change she would get to Los Angeles around 6:30pm. She secured a room at a hotel in the Hollywood area and advised them that it would be a late in the day arrival. She had a momentary concern that perhaps she had just booked the same flight that Rick would have gotten, but there was little that she could do about that. Besides, he would be in first class, if he was on that flight. Since this was a spur of the moment kind of thing, it was more than likely that he would have just chartered a plane to take them to Los Angeles.

As she began to gather the clothing that she would need for the trip her mind drifted to the words that the Captain had last spoke. _My God, that is almost what Rick had said, 'It's a shame that it took a personal tragedy to make you two see the light'. Of course Rick was just referring to himself, but the tragedy of losing him forever is what it took for me to finally make the recognition. How can you be so blind? Will he be mad that I show up? Will he think that I'm just patronizing him by being there? Is he going to say, 'Where were you when I asked you to do things with me?', or 'Why are you here when you are more interested in anyone but me?' He could say either of those things, and perhaps many more, but he won't. He never makes me answer for anything. He just accepts, unconditionally. Well that might be fine in some respects, but it does nothing to put us on equal footing._

_If you don't like something, tell me. If you're mad at me, fight with me about it. If you're hurting, tell me. If I am hurting you, you better fucking tell me. All of those things I need to tell him, but all of those things he needs to tell me as well because if we are ever going to be able to have a lasting relationship it has to be a level playing field. It's rarely going to be a 50/50 relationship. Some days it might be 60/40, hell, some days it might be 90/10. That's just the way things happen. But no matter what the ratio is for that particular day neither one of us should be made to feel that we are on the top side or the bottom side, it's just the 100 percent of 'us'. And most assuredly, no one is leaving. I will fight you to the death before I allow that to happen, and you have given me every indication that you feel the same._

It was going to be more than twenty-four hours before her plane would leave, and another five hours of flight time. Kate wondered if that whole time was going to be spent with her mulling over the myriad of thoughts that would flash through her mind. Even though they had never done it, she wanted to hold him, and she wanted to be held. She wanted reassurance that she was doing the right thing.

She decided to busy herself with washing clothes, ironing and packing. Since Captain Montgomery had called to inform her that the news of Meredith's death had been made public and to provide her with a contact person in the Los Angeles division of the California State Police, she called her father to tell him that she would be out of town for a few days, but he would always be able to contact her on her cell phone.

Working through the evening Kate was finally able to gather the requisite clothing and arrange them in the proper manner for being packed the next morning. She had made sure to pack some swimwear and some workout clothes. She was informed that there was a pool and a fitness facility within the confines of the hotel. She was uncertain as to what kind of down time that she would be facing, so she wanted to be prepared in case the opportunity should arise to get back into her normal exercise routine that she had been neglecting over the past few weeks.

As she drew her bath and sprinkled the powders into the rushing water, she placed a glass of wine on the side of the tub and reached for her copy of _NAKED HEAT_. Sinking down into the bubbles, the warmth and the fragrance of the treated water began to soothe the tensions of the day. Skimming through the copyright pages her eyes fell to the dedication page of the book.

_**To the real Nikki Heat,**_

_**With gratitude**_

There had been so many tears that morning, she didn't think there could possibly be any more to shed. She was wrong. _Through all the pain that he must have been suffering at that time from the insensitive words, the chilly treatment, the lie and the visual images, he still would not hold me accountable, nor erase me from his mind. He had never been more prophetic when he told me, 'the heart wants what the heart wants'. God, please allow that to still be attainable._


	5. Chapter 5

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

_He had never been more prophetic when he told me, 'the heart wants what the heart wants'. God, please allow that to still be attainable._

Kate spent the morning packing all of the clothes that she had laid out the previous evening. She gathered her toiletry items, preparing a small bag to place in her carry-on luggage. During her packing, Lanie had called to see how she was doing and ask her about the details of her trip. The conversation was a brief one, but each apologized to the other for any misunderstandings of the day before. Lanie wanted her to be sure that she told Castle and Alexis how sorry she, Esposito and Ryan were for their loss, and that they hoped that they would get the opportunity to say those same things to both of them directly. Kate assured her that she would pass along their condolences and that, as she had said in her note, she would call them from California with any additional information about what was taking place.

Finally, prepared for the trip she took her luggage to the awning covered entryway outside of her apartment building and hailed a taxi to take her to JFK. Midday traffic was always congested in Manhattan, so she was glad that she had left her place in plenty of time to get to the airport and go through all of the security measures that had now become common place in air travel. After checking her baggage through to Los Angeles, she proceeded to the departure lounge for her scheduled flight.

As she scanned the area around her flight's designated gate, she did not espy any of the Castle family. Even though first class passengers would get preferential treatment, they still had to board the plane through the same gate as everyone else. As the boarding of the plane commenced and first class passengers were notified that they could now enter the aircraft, she watched closely to see if they would be on this flight. They were not boarding as yet, and they were not among the other passengers awaiting the row announcements. Although they might have gotten on an early morning flight, it seemed to Kate that it was even more likely that Rick had secured private transportation. To some extent, she was disappointed at not being able to see them, but on the other hand it might be better that they were traveling separately.

As her section of rows was called she entered the plane, and passing through the first class section she was able to confirm the fact that they were not on this flight. Placing her carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment she slid in to her window seat and placed her somewhat oversized handbag underneath the seat in front of her. She was fortunate that only two of the three seats in her row would be occupied, so she and her row companion would not have to spend the five hour flight time in a crowded environment.

As the plane leveled off at its cruising altitude, she retrieved her handbag from underneath the seat in order to get some mints to assist with combating the clogging of her ears that had occurred during the plane's ascent. Looking in the bag her eyes fell to the _NAKED HEAT_ book that she had placed there this morning. She had thought that it would be a good thing to have to keep her occupied during the long flight, but while reading it in her bath the night before the words had begun to hit too close to home and she had put it down.

_I know that this Nikki Heat series is his fictionalized version of his experiences at the 12__th__ Precinct, but some of the verbiage and circumstances were truly factual. He had gotten so far behind in his writing that he must have had to complete more than half of the book over this past summer. With the state of mind that he must have been in the thought of what he might have written became so scary to me that I couldn't keep reading. He wouldn't have Nikki virtually force Rook to leave, would he? I know that he is contracted to do at least one more book in the series, could he actually write it without Rook as part of the story? If he could kill off Derrick Storm, he could banish Jameson Rook. Should I finish it before I see him, or would I be better off not knowing? For right now, not knowing is winning out._

Opting to watch the inflight movie over reading, Kate paid the flight attendant for a set of earphones and reclined her seat in preparation for the beginning of the film. Becoming bored with the movie she drifted off to sleep. Upon awakening, she realized that the screen had already been retracted and the headset was merely serving to block out the ambient sounds of the aircraft's interior. Removing the headset she was able to hear the flight attendant's notification to the passengers that they were beginning their final descent to LAX.

Retrieving her luggage from the baggage carousel, she asked the attendant to secure a taxi for her. Instructing the driver that her destination was the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, Kate sat back in her seat and surveyed the sights of southern California. As she approached the hotel she noticed that it was located near the Kodak theater where they stage numerous plays, concerts and awards shows. It seemed fitting that she would be staying in a place close to something that was probably so near and dear to Meredith's heart.

After checking in and proceeding to her room she realized how hungry she had become. She not only had slept through the movie on the plane, but also the inflight food service. As she unpacked her clothes and placed the hanging garments in the closet and the other items in the chest of drawers, she made arrangements for dinner in the hotel's restaurant. After the long flight she felt the need for a shower before changing her clothes in preparation for dinner. As she exited the shower her cell phone was ringing. Retrieving the phone from her purse, the caller id signified 12th Precinct, habitual behavior took over.

"Beckett."

"Detective?"

"Captain, uh, I'm sorry, I just shifted into work mode when I saw the caller id. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine. I just wanted to make sure that you got there alright and to give you an update on what I have learned on this end."

"Oh, good. My flight was fine. I must have slept through most of it. Just to let you know, I am staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and I'm in room number 834. I just got here a short while ago and I was just getting ready to go get some dinner. What have you learned?" 

"Well, Castle called me earlier this afternoon. He said that they were staying at the Hotel Bel Air. I guess he chartered a private jet to take them to Los Angeles late last night. He said that the arrangements for Meredith's funeral/memorial service had not been completely finalized as yet, but that he would know more by later today. I don't mean this to sound ghoulish, but due to the severity of the accident Meredith's body was virtually crushed upon impact. She is to be cremated and the urn containing her ashes will be placed in one of the columbariums at Forest Lawn Cemetery."

"God, how awful that must be for them to envision that horror."

"I understand what you mean. Uh...Kate, Castle was also asking about you. He told me that he had shared with you some personal thoughts that perhaps he shouldn't have. Thoughts that he now felt that he had no right to open up to you about. He didn't tell me what he had said, he just wanted to try to find out if you were upset with him so he could try to make it right if you were."

"What did you tell him?"

"I didn't tell him that you were out there, but I promised that I would have you call him. I didn't think it was my place to tell him anything, that was something the two of you should be dealing with."

"Thanks, Roy, I appreciate it. I didn't think he would be calling you that quickly. I certainly didn't want to put you in a situation with him of having to answer questions about me."

"That's okay. It actually went quite smoothly. He did, however sound genuinely concerned, so I think you might want to call him. If you're not upset with him, it might be something that he needs to hear right now. Lord knows that family is already having to deal with enough."

"Thanks, Captain. I'll give you a call tomorrow. Bye."

_He's dealing with all of this, and he's scared that he's offended me. God, he's so fucking stupid. No, he is just down right idiotic. If he had told me what was taking place in his mind all of those months instead of being so flippant about everything maybe I could have looked at things differently. Maybe we could have helped one another along that path of his. Urgh, if I didn't love him so much, I think I could just kick the shit out of him. Maybe I should do it anyway just to show him what will take place if he tries to hold anything back from me in the future... Then again, what if he throws it right back at me?... But he won't. Damn him. Yell at me, if I'm supposed to mean that much to you._

Realizing that after her call from the Captain and her personal ruminations, her dinner reservations were virtually upon her now. Kate telephoned the hotel restaurant and apologized for having to cancel her table and asked to to be transferred to the room service line. She ordered something to eat and contemplated her call to Rick. Should she call right now? But if she called now, would she be interrupting their dinner? She decided to wait until she had eaten before making the call.

Room service arrived within half an hour and she virtually inhaled her food. It had been a long time since her breakfast at home that morning. _Of course that, he would yell at me about. The idiot._

Well, it was now or never. She pressed his number on her speed dial.

"Kate?"

In her softest tone she responded, "Hey."

His voiced was somewhat rushed and full of apprehension as he began to speak, "God, I wasn't sure whether you would call me. Kate, I'm sorry that I said those things yesterday. I was just caught up in the emotions of everything and I let my guard down. I didn't mean to..."

"Rick, slow down. It's alright."

Slowing down never even enter the equation. Hearing her call him by his given name stopped him dead.

"Rick, …...are you still there?... Rick?"

"Uh,...yes, I'm here,... and after hearing your voice, I can't tell you how much that I wish that you were here with us."

"Well..."


	6. Chapter 6

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

"_Uh,...yes, I'm here,... and after hearing your voice, I can't tell you how much that I wish that you were here with us."_

"_Well..."_

"...I am here Rick."

The surprise is ever so present in his response, "What? You're here in Los Angeles?"

"Yes, I got in a couple of hours ago. The Captain had called to check on me and he told me that you had called him and told him that you wanted me to get in touch with you. He didn't think it was right for him to tell you that I was out here, that it should be up to us to discuss it. I hope that you are not upset that I came, I just wanted to do something to let Alexis and Martha...and you, know how sorry I am for what has happened. I understand that it may be a little presumptuous of me to do this, and even though I haven't spent as much time with her as I did earlier in the year, my heart is just breaking for Alexis."

"Kate, you'll never know how much this is going to mean to her. I hate to touch on the things that I shouldn't have said to you yesterday, but you'll never know how much this means to me. Where are you staying?"

"I'm at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. It appeared to be conveniently located and it was affordable. As far as the things that you said to me yesterday, I probably wouldn't be here right now if you hadn't shared your thoughts. I'll admit that I am unsure about many things right now, but I also know that right now is not the time to get into anything. These few days should be all about honoring Meredith's life and helping Alexis find her way through the grief process."

"We're at the Hotel Bel Air. Would you like to come over to visit? I can send a car to get you."

"Thanks, but no it's getting too late for that right now. Besides, this has all been so sudden you need to be there for Alexis. Maybe tomorrow, if that's alright?"

"Tomorrow will be fine. I don't know what all Roy shared with you, but it's going to be a memorial service for Meredith since she was cremated, and I just found out a short while ago that it has been arranged for the day after tomorrow at 11:00am. It's going to be a private service, just for family and a select group of her friends."

"Oh,...well if I am going to be able to see Alexis, I guess we'll have to try to plan something for sometime tomorrow then."

"Kate, please don't think that you won't be attending the service, because you most certainly will."

"Rick, I only met Meredith once and I'm not a family member. There could be others there that might feel that I'm intruding."

Although still delivered in the softest of tones, his voice became decidedly firm, "If you want to talk about intruding, I had no right to spew all of my inner thoughts and turmoil to you yesterday. I apologize. Regardless of any of that, no matter what you do or what you want for your future, there are three people in this room that will never consider you to be anything but family. So, since you are in town and you are family, it would be disrespectful if you didn't attend the service."

"Rick..."

"I'm serious Kate. Once I tell them that you came all the out here, both Mother and Alexis will most certainly expect you to be with us. I promise I won't make things awkward for you again. I'm working diligently to try to be a better person and to accept things as they are. As you said this is a time to concentrate on Alexis, and I know that she will want to spend as much time with you as you will allow. I'll stay out of the way."

"God, you're insufferable sometimes."

"Kate, I didn't mean to start an argument with you, I just..."

"Stop before you demonstrate further just how stupid you really are."

"What?"

"The Captain asked me 'just how fucking stupid is Castle?',...well I guess he really said 'just how fucking stupid are you and Castle?' But, since I already knew that you were stupid that made the vote 2 to 1."

"Kate, what the hell are you talking about?"

"You idiot, I think I love you too. So there... You said you loved me and will love me, so I shouldn't have said that I think I love you too, I just should have said that I think I love you. I'm pretty sure that I love you... Dammit, you frustrate the hell out of me sometimes. More than sometimes. A lot of times. A whole lot of the time."

"Is jet lag catching up to you, or something? It's only a five hour flight. It shouldn't have that much of an effect on you."

"You just can't help yourself, can you? I slept most of the way out here, so no I'm not suffering from jet lag. I told you that I didn't want to get into any of this right now, and I still don't. We'll deal with that when we get back home."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"There, that's it right there. That's why I'm here."

"You're here because I just said that I was sorry?"

"_Urgh_...Not that you said it right now, or that you said it yesterday, it's because you said it a well over a year ago... When I got mad at you and I told you that we were done, you came back to me and said you were sorry. You didn't make excuses, or try in any other way to justify what you had done, you simply apologized by saying that you were sorry. Even way back then I must have meant something to you and you must have known me well enough to realize that trying to rationalize your actions wasn't going to cut it with me, you just said 'if we're not going to see one another anymore, I want you to know that I'm sorry'. I'm here because you mean something to me, and the extension of that leads to Alexis and Martha meaning something to me... Do you get it now?"

"Yeah, I get it. I'm not saying that I'm not somewhat confused about a lot of things, but I understand what you're saying. As I told you before your being here is deeply appreciated."

"Okay. So can we leave this until we get home?"

"Yes ma'am. Though I reserve the right to tell you how meaningful it is to me a few more times."

"How is she?"

"I guess you could say she is okay. The shock of what has happened hasn't worn off as yet. Perhaps scurrying around yesterday to arrange for the air transportation and getting packed helped to keep her busy, but the length of the flight meant that she had a lot of down time to reflect. Their relationship was just... different. I don't know how else to say it. She didn't get to have the early childhood bonding that takes place between a mother and a daughter. Most of her memories are of the later in life variety. As I said yesterday, I don't know whether Meredith was trying to make amends with Alexis by showering her with shopping trips when she would come to New York, or exposing her to the film industry when Alexis would visit her here, but it was just different. It's not necessarily that it was superficial, it just wasn't as deep as it should be between a parent and their child."

"I remember when Meredith visited last year, and had decided that she was going to move back to New York, the anxiety that enveloped Alexis at that time was almost palpable. I could see it in her eyes when she would look at me. It was almost like her eyes were screaming 'Dad, do something'. When I was able to sort it out, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. Don't get me wrong, Alexis loves her mother, and she never sought any retribution for her leaving us, the relationship was just different. My mother raised me by herself and I have raised Alexis by myself. I don't think for one minute that neither Alexis nor me ever felt that we were not loved. How is that sentence for a lot of double negatives?"

"You're slipping."

"I need to see my inspiration."

"Soon."

"Speaking of my inspiration, these people out here don't miss a chance at trying to take advantage of any situation?"

"What do you mean?"

"The studio called me this afternoon regarding the _HEAT WAVE_ movie. They knew that I would be in town because of Meredith's death, and they wanted to use this opportunity for me to go over the screenplay that had been developed. So I told them that I wouldn't do anything until after the memorial service, and they arranged for a meeting the day after the service. They are already in pre-production, so my input will probably be minimal at best. I understood that going in though. Once they purchase the rights, you pretty much have given up your say in what they do with it. They did bring up the subject of the premiere that is scheduled for late spring, or early summer, and, uh..."

Noticing the extended silence, Kate asked, "And what?"

"Uh,...They want us to come to Los Angeles for the events surrounding the premiere and for the premiere itself."

"Well, that will be nice for Alexis. Almost like a graduation present. She can get a couple of new dresses and get to walk the red carpet with her handsome father."

"Kate,...the us that they were referring to was, uh,...you and me."

"You and me! You mean as in you... and... me? Us? You and me?"

"Yes, I think you may have a handle on it finally, unless you want to say it again."

"Rick, I, uh..."

"Just think about it. I do like the idea of a graduation present for Alexis. We all could come out together. Mother would certainly love it. We could stay here at the Hotel Bel Air. They're in the midst of a major renovation, and it should all be completed by then. You would love it here. Speaking of which, why don't you check out of the Roosevelt in the morning and I'll arrange for a room for you here? If this suite didn't have just three bedrooms, I would ask that you join us. What do you think?"

"You and me."

"Kate, are you even listening to me right now?"

"Yeah, I heard you. I just can't get past your first revelation. That certainly added to the number of topics that will need to be discussed when we get back home. As far as moving to your hotel, I think that it is probably best that I stay right here. I appreciate the thought, but still."

"Okay. Mother and Alexis will be disappointed, but I understand. I should probably tell you something else though, just in case."

"Good God, what now?"

"Well, once the studio discovers that you're here, and make no mistake they will, they're going to want you to come with me to our scheduled meeting. I'm sure they're going to want to personally meet the woman that is the real life version of the star of their film. They probably will want you to spend some time with the actress that has been cast as Nikki Heat."

"You've got to be kidding me... I came out here for you, for Alexis, not to 'do lunch' or 'take a meeting'."

"Please don't be upset. I just wanted to make sure that I was forthcoming with you so that if that kind of thing arose you wouldn't feel like you had been blindsided."

"I appreciate that, it's just a lot to get thrown at you all of a sudden... I think I'm going to go downstairs to the fitness center and workout. They're just too many things going through my mind right now."

"Kate, please don't be mad at me about this?"

"I'm not mad at you, it's just a lot of stuff. I need to go work up a sweat...and don't you dare suggest anything else about what I just said. And don't lie to me by saying that you weren't going to. You've never lied to me before, so don't start now."

"I've missed you too, Kate. I'll send a car for you tomorrow morning around eight. We'll have breakfast and you can spend the day with Alexis. Have a good workout. Until tomorrow."

"Good night, Rick."


	7. Chapter 7

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

"_I've missed you too, Kate. I'll send a car for you tomorrow morning around eight. We'll have breakfast and you can spend the day with Alexis. Have a good workout. Until tomorrow."_

"_Good night, Rick."_

As Kate entered the hotel's fitness center she realized that it had been a little while since she had been in this type of environment. She had missed this form of adrenaline rush. Given that, she was not about to treat her body lightly this evening. Moving methodically from the stationary bike, to the curls machine, to the elliptical, to the free weights, to the punch/kick bag and finally to the treadmill the hour long workout left her body with the unlikely combination of exhaustion and exhilaration. If only her mind could have followed suit.

_It seemed like old times talking with him. Sharing thoughts, working through confusion, getting frustrated, all the while feeling wanted. Do I really love him, or does he just make me feel that I should love him? I know that I want him, and sometimes, God forbid I feel I need him, but is that all there is to love. Certainly it isn't, but he surely brings energy and happiness into my life. He's had women leave him three times. He certainly has the edge on me there. I guess if I'm truthful with myself, he probably thinks I left him on a couple of occasions. He must be as wary about me as I am of him, but he always seems so unwavering in the fact that he will be there for me no matter what, and now he tells me that he will always love me. I don't want to play games. I don't want to make it seem that I'm trying to test that level of commitment. I just want us to be, and then go from there._

_Good Lord, all this other stuff, movie executives, actresses, parties and a premiere, what am I supposed to do with that? I know he won't make me do it, or even try to pressure me into it, and isn't it enough that I already have to deal with people referring to me as Nikki Heat. More people in one weekend are going to see this movie than would have read the book. What the hell am I going to do then? This is a big time discussion topic._

The workout had been a blessing. For some reason it just made her feel more solid, more prepared, ready to take on what would be ahead of her. For right now it had made the possibility of sleep more a probability. Kate contacted the hotel operator and requested a 6:30am wake-up call, plenty of time to be ready for the car that Rick was sending for her. Sleep came easily, dreams even more so.

When the bedside phone rang it interrupted another sleep time episode of blue and green eyes looking longingly at each other. Kate made coffee in the small pot that was provided with her room. _One has to get one's heart started._ While waiting for the coffee to brew, she took a shower and laid out her clothes for the day. She was going to meet them for breakfast and then spend the day with Alexis. This would probably mean that they would have lunch together somewhere, so she would have to layer her look to deal with the cool morning and the warmth of the afternoon. Finishing her coffee, she dressed, freshened her makeup and proceeded to the hotel's porte cochere to await her ride. Only minutes upon her arrival outside of the hotel, a black Town Car appeared under the canopy.

"Detective Beckett?," the driver inquired.

"Yes, I'm Detective Beckett," Kate responded.

As he opened the rear seat door for her he said, "Good morning, my name is Phillip. Mr. Castle arranged for me to pick you up and take you to the Hotel Bel Air."

"Good morning to you, Phillip. I appreciate the ride. Is it very far?"

"It's only about eight miles, but with morning traffic it might take about twenty minutes or so."

"Okay, thanks."

The ride didn't consist of any highway travel, merely the streets of the city. Passing the side road that would lead to Beverly Hills, they veered north toward the exclusive Bel Air community. The Hotel Bel Air was located northeast of the Bel Air Country Club and the UCLA campus.

Upon arrival, Phillip opened the door for Kate and told her that he was be available to her for the entire day should she need transportation around the city. She thanked him and strode into the hotel lobby.

A deeply tanned and quite confident looking gentleman approached her, "Ah, Detective Beckett?," he inquired.

Kate replied, "Yes."

"My name is Gerard, I am the Hotel Bel Air's manager. Mr. Castle asked that I greet you and escort you to his party's table in the dining room."

"That is very kind of you, Gerard. How were you so sure that I was Detective Beckett?"

"Mr. Castle instructed me to look for a beautiful, tall, dark haired woman with enchanting green eyes, and you certainly meet that description. We have found that Mr. Castle can be full of quite eloquent words of praise."

"Mr. Castle can be found to be quite full of a lot of other things, Gerard."

Chuckling at her reply, he offered, "Mr. Castle must be very perceptive as well. He advised me that should I share that description with you, I should be prepared for a quick retort. Please follow me Detective."

He would have risen from his chair as any gentleman would when a lady approaches his table, but upon seeing her enter the dining area of the hotel restaurant Rick automatically got to his feet. Alexis and Martha had their backs to the entry, so they were curious as to why he had stood up. Looking behind them they saw Kate heading toward their table. They joined Rick as they left their chairs in preparation for greeting her.

"Mr. Castle, Detective Beckett has arrived."

Rick reached to shake his hand and offer his appreciation, "Thank you Gerard for escorting her to us."

"You are very welcome. She is indeed as beautiful as you have described her, and might I add quite charming. Have a wonderful breakfast."

While Rick was in conversation with Gerard, Alexis and Martha had gathered Kate into a group hug. With tresses of red hair on either side of her face, Kate pulled them as close as she possibly could while staring straight ahead into those blue eyes. They were both unsure as to whether an embrace would be appropriate, and the thought of a handshake seemed almost trite, so Kate released her left hand from Martha's back and extended it toward Rick's right hand. There fingertips met and clenched together. The slightest of touch, but the deepest of meaning.

Never the shy one, Martha addressed her as they began to release themselves from the embrace, "Kate, darling it is so good to see you. Thank you for making the long trip out here. You've made the portrait complete."

As Martha retreated from the group hug, Rick and Kate's fingers lost their grasp as Alexis pulled Kate into a singular embrace. Holding one another ever so tightly, tears started to fall from the young girl's eyes.

"Kate, I couldn't believe it when Dad told us last night that you were here. I have missed you so much and I know that this circumstance must bring back some awful memories for you. Thank you so much for being here."

"Alexis, sweetheart, it is the least that I could do. You all of have been so kind to me there is no way that I could not be here. I'm so sorry for what has happened. I'm sorry for the loss that you feel and the fact that you have to go through all of this. We can't change what has occurred, but we can all assist one another in dealing with the pain. Come on, let's sit down, we'll talk more later."

Rick held Kate's chair for her as she sat to join them. Breakfast conversation centered around the service that would be held the next day and plans for what they all would be doing today. Rick and Martha had decided to stay around the hotel, while Kate and Alexis had decided to have Phillip take them to Venice Beach where they could enjoy the salt air, the warm sunshine and some people watching while saying nothing or anything.

Strolling along the boardwalk filled with walkers, runners, bikers and roller skaters, Kate and Alexis were content to just take in the sights and enjoy the company of one another. As they moved to one of the benches that was isolated from the others they cast their eyes out over the water.

Alexis broke the silence of their pondering of the water, "Kate, do you think it's awful that I'm not more devastated by this than I am? I mean it's absolutely terrible about what has happened and I never wanted anything to happen to my mom, but it feels like a family acquaintance has died. A dear family acquaintance, but an acquaintance none the less. I must be a horrible person."

"You're not horrible, Lex,... it's just that you didn't get to have the relationship with your mom that many other children get to have. At this point, it doesn't matter who bears the greater responsibility for what has taken place, you just have to deal with what the two of you were able to share over the years."

"But there's a truck driver out there somewhere who got in his rig two days ago to go out and deliver his cargo. Now, two lives have been taken from an accident that he was involved in. He has to be devastated. Why not me?"

"Sweetheart, I don't have all of the answers for you. Nobody does. All we can ever do is just work with the experiences that we have with the different people in our lives. I guess I feel you must respect your mother for carry you in her womb and delivering you to life. Although you know I can't speak directly to that, but it has always seemed to me to be something that deserves to be honored. What your mother did after that, I don't have a clue. I can speculate that she might have thought she not could handle raising a child, or that someone else was going to provide a better opportunity to advance her career. I don't know."

"Was I not a good enough baby to make her want to stay?"

"Don't even go there, Lex. There is nothing that you as an infant could have done to push your mother out of the house. It was her choice, we just don't know why she made it. That's why the only thing that you can concentrate on are your experiences with her. Hold them tight, cherish them for what they are. I told you that I was so sorry for your loss, but I can't create something you never had, and neither can you. It is what it is. Love her for those moments that you experienced with her."

"I can't you even imagine what this would be like if it had been Dad instead of Mom? I truly don't think I could deal with it. Just like Grams was for him, he has tried to be both parent figures to me. Even beyond that he always seemed to be Dad and Father. Dad was the cool guy who would always come up with some way for us to share our time and to have fun. Father protected me and shaped me, and was forever making me feel loved. Thanks, Kate. I'll just try to concentrate on our experiences and love her for giving me life, and for sharing what part of her life that she was able."

"Alexis, it took a lot of guts to open up this conversation with your true emotions. You could have tried to make up feelings or just rationalize the situation, but you didn't. I'm proud of you for that. It's also going to make it more real for you when you have thoughts about your mom in the future. The thoughts will be real, the reflections will be based on your time together. No one can ask for anymore than that."


	8. Chapter 8

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

"_Alexis, it took a lot of guts to open up this conversation with your true emotions. You could have tried to make up feelings or just rationalize the situation, but you didn't. I'm proud of you for that. It's also going to make it more real for you when you have thoughts about your mom in the future. The thoughts will be real, the reflections will be based on your time together. No one can ask for anymore than that."_

Leaving the beachfront bench they decided it was time for lunch. They found a small bistro in the plaza that had outside dining and were led to a table by one of the attendants. Ordering their food they sat back and watched all of the pedestrian traffic that filled the walkway.

Alexis took a sip of her water and caught Kate's eye, "What is it Alexis?"

"Kate, I'm sorry that this situation brings back so many bad memories for you. I guess that and the other thing is what makes it so meaningful to me that you came."

"What other thing?"

"You and Dad. I know that it is probably not right for me to say this, but when we all were together earlier this year I had hoped, or we all had hoped, that something could magically happen to have you want to always be with us. I've missed our time together, and I miss not being able to talk with you whenever I want to, or need to."

"Alexis, you can always talk to me. I know that I have responsibilities, but I can always make time for you."

"Dad doesn't think we should do that. He says that you have your own life and your own loves, and we shouldn't intrude. I know that I've never had a meaningful relationship, boyfriend-like I mean, so I don't have anything to help me understand all of the things that must go on. All I can do is look at his eyes. Something happened, and it's none of my business, but when he took me to Princeton for my summer program it was like the life had been drained from him. When we would talk over the summer, it was like he had to give himself a pep talk just to carry on a conversation with me. With me. All we ever do is talk. Granted it's usually about me, but it was never forced. Dad will always share the fun things, but I hate it when he won't share his pain with me, because when he is in pain, Father comes to the forefront. 'It's my duty to take care of my little girl, not to wallow in my misery in front of her'. That's just...well, you know what it is."

"Honey..."

"No, Kate please, I wasn't trying to get you to say anything, it's just that he knows that you don't want him and never will want him, and he hasn't been dealing with it all that well. Grams has spent over forty years in show business. She has been rejected numerous times for roles. She'll go to auditions and some people can be quite nice and say 'thank you for coming, we'll let you know', or some people can be down right rude and just say, 'next'. She learned to deal with it and to keep her nose to the grindstone. I know Dad must have had to live with that kind of thing for a good part of his childhood, I don't know why he has to bury his feelings in humor or by retreating. Some days I just love him so much, and the next day I just want to beat him up."

"Lexie, you are not alone in that feeling."

"Please don't tell him that I said this because he'll kill me. I love you Kate, Grams loves you and most certainly Dad loves you. I don't know whether Father can have a meaningful existence without you in his life. I don't mean to be saying things that you don't want to hear, but we don't get to see you anymore and I wanted you to know how I really feel. I miss the time that we used to spend together. A lot."

"Sweetheart, I understand. I missed you too... After he learned of Meredith's death, your father shared some things with me. Personal things. Personal feelings. He's sorry for that now because like you just said, he didn't think that he had the right to intrude. The things he said however, made me gain some insight regarding my feelings toward him. This seemed to have a snowball effect because three more times that day I had the opportunity to gain further insight regarding your father and regarding me. There are instances when I want to strangle him and beat myself up at the same time. Then there are times that I want us to hold one another so tightly that we almost meld our bodies together. There is no one any better than the two of us at sifting through the evidence and circumstances of the crimes we have investigated. Why can't those same two people talk about what is developing between them? He started the ball rolling two days ago, and I kept it going last night. This is not the time or the place to continue what we need to do, but when we get back home hopefully we can start doing the necessary things to see us through this, whatever the outcome may be."

Alexis' eyes immediately widen as she blurts out, "You mean you don't really hate him?" Heads began to turn toward their table at this mini-outburst.

Burying her head in her hands, Kate laughingly responds, "No, Lex I don't hate your father. I have never hated him. I have hated some of the things he has done. I have hated some of the things that I have done. And, I most certainly have hated the fact that on occasion those things caused us to hurt one another. I guess if I didn't feel the passion for him to hate those things, I wouldn't have the passion to love him. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference, and there is absolutely nothing indifferent between your father and me."

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, or us. I just got excited about the fact that you might not have rejected him."

"I'm sure these people have experienced bursts of enthusiasm before. Maybe not with regard to someone hating someone else, but there's a first time for everything. Honey, as honest as we have been with one another today let me remind you to not put the cart before the horse. Don't think everything is going to go smoothly as we all work through various issues. Some of those issues are going to revolve around you."

"Kate, I just told you that I already love you and miss you. I can't be an issue."

"Alexis, it is never that cut and dry. Take right now for instance. We are here to encrypt the remains of your mother. I'm here because I love and care for your family. I'm not here to take Meredith's place. That would be true had she not been taken from us. I told you this morning that you need to hold onto those experiences with your mother because you are going to need them to help you through the little things that happen in life that are going to remind you of her. You and I will build our own experiences and our own relationship based on us and nobody else."

Grinning from ear to ear she replies, "Boy, this is so much like an Alexis/Father conversation."

"Oh, sh...uh...Oh well. Uh,... great minds you know."

"You didn't cover that one very well, Kate."

"I told you things wouldn't go smoothly all the time. Let's get out of here and go back to your hotel. Do you want to call Phillip, or do you want me to?"

"I'll call him. He's got a really nice voice."

"You are so lucky that was said during an Alexis/Kate conversation rather than an Alexis/Father conversation."

Knowing that his only assignment for the day was Ms. Beckett and Alexis, Phillip had remained close to the plaza area of the beach. Upon receiving the call from Alexis it was only minutes before he arrived to retrieve them.

Alexis greeted him, "Hi, Phillip. You must have been near by?"

Phillip responded, "Yes ma'am, I was just on the other side of the plaza. Detective Beckett are we returning to Bel Air, or am I to take you to the Roosevelt?"

"We'll go back to Bel Air for right now," Kate responded.

It was about a half an hour drive under current traffic conditions to return to the Hotel Bel Air. Thanking Phillip for the ride, Kate and Alexis proceeded to the suite that the Castle family occupied in the hotel.

"Darlings," Martha proclaimed as the two entered the suite. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah, the beach was beautiful Grams. A lot of people in the plaza, but it is interesting. We ate lunch in a little bistro that was on the edge of the walkway. I embarrassed Kate."

"Sweetheart, how did you do that?"

As Martha spoke, Rick had come out of his bedroom to join the others.

"Well, I got excited and I just burst out..."

"Alexisssssssssss?" Kate admonished.

Alexis recovered, "Uh, I just squealed out something about the fresh fish that we could have for lunch, and everyone started looking at our table."

Martha didn't seem to quite buy that explanation, but she let it slide, "Okayyyyyy. I'm glad you had a good meal. Her rolling eyes met Kate's rolling eyes with a knowing nod of the head.

Alexis gave Kate a teasing aside, "I recovered that better than you did the 'word'."

"You are your father's daughter," Kate replied.

Approaching his three ladies and pulling Alexis into a hug, Rick validated Kate's statement, "She is indeed her father's daughter. Did you have a fun day, pumpkin?" Rick released one hand from his embrace of his daughter and lightly stroked Kate's arm. Their eyes met ever so briefly as Alexis responded to her father.

"We had a really good time. We walked and talked. We sat and talked. And sometimes we just silently enjoyed being with one another. At least I hope that's the way Kate would see it."

"Absolutely. I couldn't have asked for a better time."

Noticing the stolen glances between Kate and her son, Martha corralled Alexis into her bedroom to show her some of things that she had purchased in the variety of shops in the hotel. As they left the room Rick spoke first.

"Thanks, Kate. I know that she was so looking forward to being with you. Is she doing alright?"

"We did have a really good time. I love being with her. You've done a good job Rick. She's honest to a fault almost, and she is a helluva lot more open than we seem to be with one another. You're a good dad, and a good father... She's handling things pretty well. Something is going to happen that will really hit home to her and that is when the real insight that you spoke of will cause her to react. It could be while we are here, or it could be when we get back home, but she will be able to handle it."

"I loved all of the 'we' words in that sentence."

Closing the gap between them, Kate uttered, "Just as I told Alexis today, let's don't put the cart before the horse."

"You talked about other things?"

"She brought some things up that I had to respond to, but I also told her what I told you, will deal with that when we get home. I should probably get back to my hotel, so you all can get ready for dinner. I need to call the dulcet-toned voiced Phillip to see if he can take me back."

"What?"

"Inside information. Don't worry about it. Your voice is music to me...most of the time."

"Kate, don't go back right now. Have dinner with us? Please, you know Mother will want to spend some more time with you. And, you know that I do."

"I hate to have Phillip wait around all evening while we have dinner. He's been with us since early this morning. Besides I need to shower and change clothes."

"I'll cancel our reservation here and make one at the Roosevelt. We can all go over there in one of the hotel's cars, and then I'll have them bring the three of us back here after dinner. That will give you the opportunity to change. Is that okay?"

"That mind of yours is just moving at warp speed right now isn't it. Okay, I'll call and send Phillip home."

As she started to move past him to reach for her purse, their shoulder blades found an inviting spot in the middle of the others' chest. Kate leaned her head into the side of Rick's neck and merely savored the moment of closeness. She lightly caressed his shoulder as she released herself from his body and moved toward the table on which her purse had been placed.


	9. Chapter 9

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

_As she started to move past him to reach for her purse, their shoulder blades found an inviting spot in the middle of the others' chest. Kate leaned her head into the side of Rick's neck and merely savored the moment of closeness. She lightly caressed his shoulder as she released herself from his body and moved toward the table on which her purse had been placed._

Dinner at the Roosevelt was much like the one the previous evening at the Hotel Bel Air filled with discussion of the service the next day and a casual mention by Rick of the scheduled studio meeting. It didn't turn into a discussion topic, but Kate realized that her involvement in that meeting was something that could not wait until they got back home, it was a topic that would have to be addressed after the service tomorrow.

The presence of paparazzi was common place in and around Hollywood. It had not been an overwhelming situation on either night, but they were there. The Castle trio were used to the experience, so the minimal presence must have felt like nothing at all to them. Kate stuck close to Martha as they entered and exited the hotels, partly as a shield, partly not to give the impression that she and Rick were to be considered something that they were not at that moment. Everyday residents of the area were somewhat used to occasional glimpses of celebrities, so their intrusions were not likely. Tourists were a different lot. Rick had been approached in a few instances by autograph seekers, but this to was minimal. This is a television and film industry town, so celebrities of that ilk were the most coveted by fans. Rick would have more difficulty in New York City because he lived there and because of a higher concentration of the literary industry.

As they were finishing dinner, plans were made to pick up Kate around 9:30am the next morning for the 11:00am service. As they strolled through the hotel lobby, Martha and Alexis did a little window shopping, while Rick and Kate simply meander in and out of the various alcoves. Walking in some of the more secluded areas, the distance between the proximity of their bodies became less and less. While not actually holding onto one another, each stride brought a light brushing of the back of their hands. Kate finally broke their silence.

"Rick, has Alexis been to many funerals or memorial services?"

"Now that I think about it, I would say that she has only been to one or two. They would have been for friends who had worked with Mother in the theatre. Since we don't have any direct relatives, even distant ones for that matter in the New York area, there would not have been any cause for her to be involved. I never took her to the services that I had the need to attend because of professional or political connections. I guess it would have been just those one or two. Why do you ask?"

"I'm just remembering my own experience, and I know that this will not be the same since they will be placing an urn into a vault as opposed to burying a casket, but just the thought of my mother's body in the casket and the lowering of it into the ground had a profound effect. I got to have the opportunity to spend years with my mother with the prospect of many more. The sudden nature and the brutality of her death will always effect me. The casket and the burial plot are visions that have stayed with me. Even though Alexis did not get to have the same kind of time and experiences with Meredith as I did with my mother, as I said earlier something will strike a nerve with her and I wouldn't rule out the fact that it might be the urn containing her mother's ashes, or the process of sealing the vault. We might need to keep an eye out for that, and be prepared for any kind of reaction."

Kate took a couple of strides before she noticed that their hands were no longer touching and that the reason for that lack of contact was due to the fact that Rick had stopped walking. She turned and retreated to his side, "Hey, are you alright?"

"Kate, I'm sorry. I love you so much that there are times you just stop me in my tracks."

"You're sorry that you love me."

"No,... no, no, no. I'll never be sorry for loving you. I'm just sorry that at times I can't demonstrate better control and not prevent me from getting ahead of myself in dealing with our situation. I have written that you are extraordinary, and I've told you that you are extraordinary. Even the magnitude of that word is not sufficient enough to describe you at times like this."

"Damn it."

"What? I'm sorry. I just..."

"Will you just shut up... God... It's like I told Alexis this afternoon, there are times that I just want to strangle you, and there are times that I just want us to hold one another so tightly that we just meld together. And this is certainly one of those times for the latter."

"Well, I guess we better rejoin the others before we do something that might not be considered politically correct."

The words of 'the hell with that' floated into Rick's ears as Kate's arms circled his neck. His arms quickly encased her body in response. The embrace became so intense, that Rick indeed felt that they would have to pried apart. He almost had a fear that he could be crushing her. But neither sought release from the other. As they finally both reluctantly loosened their hold and began to separate their bodies, they discovered that they were also sharing watery eyes. One final caress at the sight of that vision prompted Kate's directive,

"Come on let's go before we embarrass ourselves and they have to turn the fire hose on us."

"Thank you for what you said, Kate."

"Thank you for what you said."

As they walked back toward the center of the lobby Rick lightly placed his hand on the small of Kate's back. As they approached Martha and Alexis he nonchalantly removed his hand and directed them to the hotel entrance. The ever perceptive Martha would not let the observation pass, "Are you two alright?"

"Yes, we're fine, Mother."

Kate gave both Alexis and Martha individual hugs and told them good night. As Rick was the final one to exit the hotel, the light touch of the others' fingers and the gaze into the others' eyes sufficiently communicated their unspoken words.

The next morning after showering and laying out her clothing for the service, Kate called Lanie and 'the boys' to provide them with updates on what had transpired so far. She told them that she was not sure when she would be returning to New York, but it would be within a day or two following the service. Rick had told her that he was making daily contact with the Captain so she did not speak with him directly, but he was present when she talked to Ryan and Esposito and got the gist of their conversation.

Kate was waiting just inside the Roosevelt's front door when the limousine arrived to pick her up. The driver opened the door for her and she entered taking the seat beside Rick, as Martha and Alexis occupied the seat facing them. There was the ever present stillness in the atmosphere of the car as usually transpires during the anticipation of solemn occasions. Brief verbal exchanges were made, but nothing of any substance. The drive to Forest Lawn via the city streets took a little over half an hour. They arrived with almost forty-five minutes to spare.

Rick greeted some of the people that he knew from the entertainment community and introduced them to Martha, Alexis and Kate. It appeared that there would be approximately fifty people attending the service. As they filed into the chapel area of the columbarium, the Castle family was directed to the front row on the left side of the aisle. Kate started to hesitate, but Rick lightly placed his hand on her arm to insure that she accompanied them to their seats. Martha sat in the first seat on the aisle, then Rick, Alexis and Kate.

An executive representing the studio to which Meredith had been under contract accompanied the minister to the front of the chapel. Another studio representative followed carrying the urn containing Meredith's ashes. As they past by the front row Alexis clasped the hand of her father and leaned her head into his shoulder. The clergyman offered words of sympathy, and words of hope to the family. Hope that celebrating the life of Meredith could provide solace to all loved ones in the future.

Kate could see the moisture in Rick's eyes and the ever present attention to the well being of his daughter. Alexis was certainly not sobbing, but the moisture in her eyes had now become a source for a steady flow of tears. The studio executive recounted a couple of stories of Meredith's time in the industry, highlighting her accomplishments and the studio's appreciation for her dedication to her craft.

As the service was drawing to a close, the minister and the attendants of the columbarium transported the urn to the vault for its placement. As the vault was opened, while leaning harder into her father's shoulder, Alexis' left hand reached for Kate. Kate used both of her hands to embrace Alexis' hand, and slowly rubbed it with her palm. She could see that Martha was doing the same with Rick's right hand. As the vault was being sealed, she could not prevent the flashback from flooding her senses. Kate's tears were for the child that sat beside her; for that child's struggle to bring an understanding to her relationship with her mother; for death that had come to soon to a woman that she didn't really know; for the man that had shared a small portion of his life with that woman and the gift that he had received from that union that he has and will always cherish; and for the memories that would never leave her of the mother she loves so dearly.

As they walked four abreast leaving the chapel, Rick held Alexis under his arm, as Martha interlocked arms with Kate. They made their way toward their limousine, stopping along the way to respond to shared condolences from the other attendees. They resumed the seating arrangement in the car that they had for their return trip. It was decided that they would go to the Hotel Bel Air for lunch. Everyone could use the Castle suite to freshen up before they went to the hotel's restaurant. As they left the suite, Martha walked arm in arm with her son while Kate walked with her arm around Alexis' shoulder and Alexis' arms circling Kate's waist.

Lunch was quiet at first, just like the ride from the cemetery had been. Some small talk centered around some of the other attendees and their suspected relationship with Meredith. As lunch was coming to a close, Rick asked Kate if they could take a walk through the hotel's garden area so they could talk about the studio meeting the next day. Martha and Alexis stated that they were going back up to the suite for a little while and would await their return.

Strolling through the lobby area and entering the botanical garden, Kate spoke preemptively, "Rick, I know that you want me to go with you tomorrow, but I truly don't want to. It's just something I don't want to deal with right now. Please don't be upset with me, it just doesn't feel right, so I'd rather not go. Besides, I got an open ended airline ticket because I didn't know what the schedule of events would be, and I need to contact the airline to check on available flights to New York. I might have to go back this evening on a red eye flight, or perhaps tomorrow morning."

"Kate, I want you to go with me to the meeting tomorrow for no other reason than that it affords me the opportunity to be with you. If you don't want to go, that's alright. I'm sure they will be disappointed. Would you be willing sometime to talk on the telephone to the actress playing the part of Nikki if she so desires? They will probably hound you later on about coming out for all of the events surrounding the premiere."

"Sure, I'll talk to her on the phone. That's no problem. Thanks for not making me feel guilty about not doing this. Maybe by the time of the premiere we will have worked through a lot of things and I won't have so much clogging up my mind. I would like to spend time with you as well, but we can't forget that this is a time that we need to concentrate on Alexis. I really need to call the airline to see about a flight."

"Compromise for rejecting the meeting offer?"

"Oh, shit. What?"

"You cash in the return flight portion of your ticket and fly back with us tomorrow afternoon, or the next afternoon or any afternoon. Deal?"

"Rick..."

"Come on, you rejected me."

"I didn't reject you, I rejected your meeting... Well, when exactly were you planning to go back?"

"We had originally planned to leave tomorrow, but that was before the studio had called about the meeting. If I can get them to move the meeting to early in the morning, maybe we could leave by noon and that would get us home between eight and nine. If not, the following morning would make the most sense. Even though there is plenty of room on the plane, I'm not a big fan of red eye type flights."

"Alright then. Deal."

Turning to retrace their steps to the lobby Rick replied, "Excellent. Let's go upstairs and see what the ladies in waiting are doing, unless you would like to find a secluded place within the garden."

Placing her hand in his, Kate leaned her head into his shoulder and whispered, "After last night, with our luck we would probably set off the garden's sprinkler system... Thanks, Rick."

"For what?"

"For understanding that I let my mind get fucked up sometimes, and that it tends to get in our way. I'll really try to do better."

"So will I, Kate... I love you."

"I love you too."


	10. Chapter 10

**INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE**

_Placing her hand in his, Kate leaned her head into his shoulder and whispered, "After last night, with our luck we would probably set off the garden's sprinkler system... Thanks, Rick."_

"_For what?"_

"_For understanding that I let my mind get fucked up sometimes, and that it tends to get in our way. I'll really try to do better."_

"_So will I, Kate... I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

Returning to the room they found Martha and Alexis lounging on one of couches in the suite's living area. Alexis was leaning her head onto her grandmother's shoulder while Martha hugged her close with the arm that clasp Alexis' shoulder. It appeared that they may be drifting in and out of sleep, emotionally tired from the events of the morning. Rick and Kate quietly moved toward the wet bar that occupied the left side of the living area. They each got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and were about to go out on the balcony when Martha realized that they had returned.

"Darlings, I'm sorry I didn't hear you come in." Alexis stirred at Martha's slight movement, but she didn't wake up. "We were talking about this morning, and she just started to dose off. I guess I joined her."

"I'm sorry, Mother. Go back to sleep. Kate and I were just going out onto the balcony."

"Nonsense. There's plenty of time for sleeping. Richard, since this may be our last night here, can we possibly go to Spago for dinner tonight? I'd hate for us to miss an opportunity."

"Certainly, that sounds like the perfect setting for our last meal here until the spring."

Martha looked at him as she verbalized the question that was in her eyes, "What's this about the spring?"

As Rick and Kate sat down on the sofa that faced Martha and Alexis, he responded, "The studio wants us to come back in the spring for the events surrounding the premiere of _HEAT WAVE_. I've already made arrangements for us to stay here again, I just have to get more of the specifics during my meeting with them in the morning."

Arousing from her sleep, Alexis interjected, "We get to come back in the spring. Is it going to be late enough that I will already have graduated?"

Rick responded, "I thought you were asleep?"

"I was sleep listening. You can find out a lot that way sometimes. Will it be late enough so that I can go?"

"God, is she ever your daughter," Kate laughed as she let her head fall back into the cushions of the sofa."

"Yes, sleep-listener, it should be at least that late in the spring, if not early summer. We all will be able to attend," Rick replied to his daughter.

Excitedly, Alexis gushed, "Kate?"

Kate just flexed her neck to lift her head from the back of the sofa and chuckled, "We'll see, sweetheart. Just remember the cart and the horse, okay?"

Rick left the group to go to his bedroom so that he could make arrangements for dinner, as well as contact the studio executives regarding the time for the next day meeting. Having completed these tasks, he returned to the living area.

"Dinner will be at 7:00pm. The studio meeting will be at 8:00am tomorrow morning. And, yes, Alexis, you can go with me and visit with some of the people that you had come to know during your visits with your mother. Is that alright with everyone?"

A 'yes' response was delivered by the three ladies.

Martha spoke directly to Kate, "Kiddo, when are you scheduled to return to New York?"

Shifting her eyes toward Rick, Kate responded, "Well, Rick and I decided after lunch that I would be flying back with you all whenever that turned out to be."

Martha and Alexis provided a simultaneous approval, "Great."

"Which reminds me", Rick interjected, "I need to contact the jet service. We should be able to leave around noon, or 1:00pm."

"Kate, darling, since you are going back with us, why don't you check out of your hotel early tomorrow morning and the two of us can have breakfast while these two go to the studio? We can have the car service bring Kate here, can't we, Richard?"

"That sounds good to me, Martha. Is Phillip still available, Rick?"

"No problem at all with that. Just tell me when you want me to have him pick you up."

"Well, I should probably go back to the Roosevelt and get ready for dinner, as well as pack so I won't have to worry about doing it in the morning. Rick, can your guy here take me back, or do I need to call a cab?"

"No, you don't need a taxi, just let me make a call. We'll pick you up about 6:30pm for dinner. Let me walk you down to the lobby."

Bidding goodbye to Martha and Alexis, Kate exited the suite in the company of Rick. Entering the elevator the distance between them again began to shrink. They stood shoulder to shoulder as they leaned against the back of the elevator, Kate tilting her head allowing it to rest on the top of Rick's shoulder. Their now ever present finger tip embrace signified their thoughts as they parted outside the hotel entrance.

Dinner at Spago was certainly an experience. Paparazzi were in full bloom, so Kate again walked arm in arm with Martha, while Rick escorted Alexis as they entered and exited the restaurant. Owner and Chef Wolfgang Puck table-greeted them during their meal, and various other celebrities could be espied throughout the dining room. The events caused Kate to reflect on an earlier dining experience.

_I certainly misinterpreted that one. He had taken my place when I told Madison I couldn't join her for dinner. He really didn't see it as a date, and in fact it really wasn't. I would have gone if I hadn't already had a dinner date with Tom, so it wasn't something that Rick had pursued. He very likely was just continuing his research about the 'personal me' by questioning Madison. His enjoyment of food and the dining experience was absolutely a true factor in his agreement to escort her. Maddie must have sensed it, otherwise the "Castle babies' comment would have never been voiced. The vote is still two to one that he is stupid, but there are certainly times that I can give him a run for his money when it comes to being stupid._

Dropping her off at the Roosevelt following dinner, Rick walked Kate to the lobby. He reminded her of the arrangements that had been made for Phillip to pick her up early the next morning, and Kate stopped at the registration desk to inform them of her plans for checking out. A somewhat light population in the lobby area led to a brief embrace before Kate entered the elevator to take her to her room.

The next morning came quickly. At the Roosevelt, Kate finalized her packing and dressed for the return trip to New York. A hotel attendant collected her luggage, and placed it in the waiting Town Car. Kate shared pleasantries with Phillip and thanked him for being so considerate to her during her stay. At the Hotel Bel Air, Rick and Alexis also completed their packing, and proceeded to their car for their visit to the studio. Martha waited for Kate in the lobby in preparation for their breakfast together. Phillip placed Kate's luggage with the Bell Captain in order for it to be combined with the Castle baggage for transfer to the airport.

"Darling, good morning," Martha greeted Kate.

"Good morning, Martha," Kate responded. "I take it that Rick and Alexis got off okay."

"Yes dear, they left around 7:30am. Shall we go straight to the dining room?"

"Indeed. I'm in desperate need of coffee. I didn't take the time to make any in my room."

"Lord, you may be worse than Richard."

A seating attendant led them to their table and the waiter provided them with menus and took their drink orders. Returning with their drinks, the waiter took the ladies' breakfast order.

"Well Katherine Beckett, what are your intentions with my son?"

Almost spewing out her coffee, Kate responded, "Marthaaa?"

"Oh please kiddo, if you thought I was going to beat around the bush, we'd better get you another table right now."

Laughingly, Kate responded, "I know that you are a straight shooter, but you barely aimed before firing that."

"Times a wasting."

Sipping her coffee to buy her some time, Kate finally responded, "My intentions are honorable. How's that?"

"Ms. Beckett?"

"Okay... Uh, I'm pretty sure that I love him."

"Oh my word. You two have been falling in love for well over a year now, you're both just too stupid to recognize something that is right in front of your eyes."

_Shit, that just made the score 3 to 2._

"I'm beginning to hear that on almost a daily basis any more."

"Darling, you will never have the love that my son has for his daughter, and you will never have the love that Richard has for me. At the same time Alexis and I could only hope and pray that we would some day get to experience the love that a man has for a woman like what Richard has for you. And believe me, neither of us would begrudge you that position in his life because if you returned that love, it would merely give him the capacity and security to love us all the more."

"That's a lot of pressure, Martha."

"Nonsense. You two would be taking a greater risk, if you failed to act on what you could potentially have. A better deal is quite likely not to be out there for either one of you. Believe me young lady, this is not my first rodeo."

"Martha, why do you think he married Gina?"

"Well kiddo, I certainly can't say for sure, but my guess would be he was getting scared. I'm sure he had an attraction for her and they probably developed some feelings for one another through working together. He may have thought that he could parlay those two things into something that could benefit Alexis. Alexis was what he was scared about. She was around nine or ten at the time and I didn't live at the loft back then. Richard was afraid that he might not do the right thing regarding aiding Alexis with puberty and physical changes. God knows he would have researched thoroughly in order to have all of the facts at his fingertips, but he also knew that facts didn't always provide you with the proper approach. A woman was needed for that."

"So you think he thought that she would provide that?"

"I'm sure he didn't say, Gina would you marry me and help lead my daughter into womanhood. Even with his experience with Meredith, he may have mistakenly thought that feeling was absolutely inherent in women, so it would just come natural for any woman to step forward when that was called upon. So, if he liked Gina and married her, she would just naturally step into that role. I have nothing at all against Gina, but motherhood or providing a parental guidance figure were positions that she most likely would never seek. It's just a shame for Alexis that she had to deal with two mother figures who were certainly not into it. That has been part of the struggle that Alexis has dealt with these last few days, and speaks volumes as to her being drawn to you."

"Is that why they divorced?"

"It may be part of it, but just like Richard didn't marry Gina for her to assume that role, he didn't divorce her because she never took to that role. It was likely not a good match for marriage, but a decent match for professional purposes. They probably should have just left it at that. If they had, their current professional relationship wouldn't be clouded by the angst they caused one another by trying to forge a personal one. All of that is supposition, but as I alluded to earlier, I've been around the block a few times."

"If that's so, why was he seeking a relationship with her lately?"

"Kiddo, that's an area I might choose not to enter. One because that is too close to what you all may be trying to work through, and two because I don't know the particulars. All I do know is that around Memorial Day weekend something happened. When the three of us had to go our separate ways for the summer something had absolutely crushed him. I don't know whether it was the pressure of finishing _NAKED HEAT_, or something else. That is an area that he has chosen not to go into with me. I can understand about the book. He has never missed a release date, and he was far behind in his effort to meet that one. Something was going on in the spring that got him as close to blocking as I've ever seen him. It's understandable though, and I'm not saying this Kate to be critical of you because he wanted to be in your presence, or critical of the 12th Precinct because he chose to do that and he loves it. It's just, when is he supposed to write? He can spend twelve to fourteen hours a day with you, and then he must make up that time with doing the proper things to make sure Alexis feels he's not neglecting her. Again, when is he supposed to write? And if something was going on, the few times he might have had to be productive, he was incapable."

"The truly laughable thing is this playboy image. Mind you, Richard has dated a lot in the past, but really. Even though you spend a great deal of time with him, you are not with him twenty-four hours a day. So you couldn't know for sure, but the man has had one date since he has been shadowing you. A silly dinner date with the 3rd ranked bachlorette, or something like that. At the same time no one, including him can overlook his stupidity with that actress. I know that was well before the summer, but I know he was still kicking himself for his failings. His not living up to that image was a sore spot with Gina and with Black Pawn. To that, he could give a damn. He's certainly not perfect, but he is always Alexis' father and he will not purposefully do anything to damage their relationship. I'm pretty certain that holds true for his relationship with you."

"Why do things always have to be so difficult?"

"Sweetheart, the good things are always difficult. Easy can be taken for granted. If you want easy then Richard is not what you want. I can give you a select number of things that are absolute guarantees regarding my son: he will always love his daughter; he will always love me; he will love you till the end of time; and he will be committed in his relationships to all of us. Other than that, he will struggle as we all do in trying to do the right thing."

"Your granddaughter can be as brutally honest as you can be."

"Another reason to love her even more. We shall end this breakfast with the shoe being placed on the other foot. As the grande dame of this family, I will speak for us all. Our intentions are to love you Katherine Beckett; to care for you; to protect you; and to always be there for you. Whether you want us or not is solely your decision. We are not about to waver. So if you want brutal honesty, there you have it. Now, let's get out of here, so we can go back home?"

Leaving the dining room and entering the lobby area, Rick and Alexis were coming through the entryway. They all commented on the perfect timing that they had just experienced. Flashes of the many missed timings that they had suffered were exchanged in the glances between a pair of green eyes and a pair of blue ones. The foursome proceeded to the suite and gathered their luggage for their departure.

As they boarded their aircraft, Martha and Alexis sat beside one another facing the seats that Rick and Kate would occupy. As the others shared the experience of the studio visit, Kate was lost in her thoughts.

_Four days ago I was given the wisdom of the information that he had shared because of the insight that had been forced upon him. Others in turn had educated me more. I was able to gain enough insight to direct me toward what I needed to do. I fly cross country, only to receive further bits of information. Now, I'm flying back across the country possessing further insight that will hopefully lead me to taking the proper actions that will enable the change of a family of three into a family of four._

As the wheels of the aircraft left the runway and the plane began its ascent, Kate leaned her head into Rick's shoulder. As he turned his head to look into her eyes, she lightly caressed his lips with her own.


End file.
